I used to remember everything. Every slight, real or preconceived, injury, insult, setback, or injustice but anymore I think my forgetter is getting better. It is claimed that in addiction one of the reasons that addicts keeping making the same mistake over and over is because they "forget" the consequences of the last bender or the appeal of the fix is so strong that the painful memories of the past are suppressed. Running is a way for me to "forget" about the failures of yesterday or the mistakes in the past. It's a time when I feel spiritually connected to God without the material distractions that make up so much of our time.
Yesterday, I exorcised the demons from Boston and got my mind right. I would rather not belabor my Boston Marathon experience but some background is necessary. I classify it in a couple of ways. Take out the DNF from the actual racing event and ask me to judge all of the Boston Marathon and I will give you a two word answer...the best. It is a world class event, with world class volunteers and organizers. The hype is justified and the experience is one that I will never forget.
I do have one takeaway that I feel that is absolutely necessary to share with any level of runner. From just starting out running around your block to doing twenty-four hour endurance challenges. Running can kill you only if YOU let it. Remember in 2007 when a runner died at the Chicago Marathon it was very similar to this year's Boston; high in the upper 80's with humidity. Here is where I want everyone reading this to be completely honest with yourself and if you come away with the same answer as me then you need to check your head.
I trained for two years to make Boston. I ran constantly, speed work and hills, long runs and tempos, rain, shine, snow and sleet, blazing summer, with one singular focus, to qualify for Boston and sub three hours there. I mean I did nearly 700 miles this year BEFORE Boston. My wife sacrificed her time so I could run, my work allowed me to run at lunch, I missed my kids practices and events so I could run. It was all about me, me, me. I claimed to be running for others but it's a solo act when you boil it down and it was about me. I tapered correctly, got down to 165 pounds, was eating right, prepared, prepared, prepared and new that I was going to sub three hours, NOTHING was going to stop me. The Boston Athletic Association sent out numerous emails the days before begging people to slow down and enjoy the race. They even took the drastic step by offering FREE entry into next year's race if you were willing to drop out. They were encouraging quitting? Are you serious? That should have been the final signal to slow down and consider just running for fun. Running for fun? Shit, when was the last time I ran for fun? Maybe to my car running with Ruby but not in a race. I ran to either win or prove something.
So race day comes and I get to the athlete's village and it's already hot. I wasn't the least bit worried. I was 100% convinced that the heat would not affect me. No way. I trained too long and too hard to just "enjoy" the experience. What a bunch of crap, that's for softies. I went out and hit my splits until mile eight and by mile sixteen I knew it was all over. In the twenty four hours after the race I lost about seventeen pounds and at one point thought I might die. I'm not kidding. I made some terrible decisions but made one right one and that was quitting. Finishing crossed my mind but I was afraid I wouldn't make it physically and I was thinking about my kids, damn responsibilities.
Ask yourself, you trained for years, you have it built up as the be all and end all of races. I had visions of grandeur, of going out on top and riding off into the sunset. This was to be my last marathon I raced in. It was going to be my PR. I saw myself lifting up my girls, being hugged by my wife and one of my best friends; all this hard work culminating with the pinnacle in marathoning. Not to mention I had told everyone I knew how fast I was going to run and how to track me. I thought I was going to let everyone close to me down and leave them disappointed. I put that pressure squarely on me but I like that pressure. So when you factor all that up what would you do? You would run as fast as you can. Then you get depressed when it all goes to hell.
Yesterday, my soul was healed. My spiritual connection to God was hooked back up and it was like mainlining positive thoughts and love straight into my brain. I woke up yesterday and it looked like rain. The first thing that popped into my head was I need to get to Wyandotte County Park to run. The woods have a mysterious pull on me. I grew up in playing in them in Cape Girardeau, Missouri and feel some sort of physical attraction to being out running around by the trees. My wife left early to pick up the girls from a slumber party so I was along with my thoughts. Kind of scary. It's like going into a dark alley by yourself, you shouldn't do it. It started raining outside. I went downstairs and started shuffling around the house. I looked at Charlotte the dog and decided to go run. In less than ten minutes I had all my gear, extra towels, loaded up the car and drove to the park. It was raining so hard on the drive I could barely see. I started laughing out loud to myself. As the deluge continued I was looking more and more forward to this run.
When Charlotte and I got out of the car we were soaked in no time flat. She was bounding around, raring to go, while I tried to figure out some tracking app on my phone. We were off. Splashing, slipping, falling, and laughing, then we finished the first mile. Nine more, this is great. The woods make a great umbrella and you would be surprised by how loud the woods can be when the rain is coming in sheets. The trail was a big puddle for the first few miles and was a bit more manageable in parts but on the whole conditions were not ideal for fast but ideal for running. That was the whole point. I didn't see anyone the entire time that wasn't in a car. You catch glimpses of the road as you weave through the park so the occasional truck lumbered by but no runners or horses. I did see about ten deer and also what was a first for me. Two turtles walking straight down the middle of the trail. I'm sure they were just out looking for food but they startled me. I stopped and said hello to them and was on my way. There are a few times when you break from the woods, literally rip from the woods they are gnarly right now, with thick roots, vines, huge leaves and tons of growth, try and tell me we don't have more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Anyway, you explode into a wide open grassy expanse. Yesterday those expanses were draped in low hanging mist. No sun to speak of but a warm glow to the hills. A warm eighty degrees that was offset by cold drops of water smashing into my head providing a tiny chill and some needed relief. I might has well of been skipping I was so happy. Running just for fun. Slopping up the hills and sliding down the other side. I was disappointed when I was done but couldn't stop grinning. I felt sooooooo good.
Now I remember, this is why I run. If you are running and it's burden then you need to reexamine why you are running. I feel like the Boston sized hole in my soul is now closed. I was running because I thought I was proving something to myself and to you. Now I'm running for the only reason necessary, because I love it.
